I was watching "The Tao of Steve" last night when it hit me. The two lead characters were having a discussion about Kierkegaard and the opera Don Giovanni (apparently, Soren was a big fan of it), when one of them said something about the need to make a leap of faith in romantic matters, and wondered why people like the other character (and Don Giovanni and Soren) were afraid to do so.
Immediately I thought of this line from Prufrock (not that I have the poem memorized, but some of it does bounce around inside my head):
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”
Uh, living through that "what if?" is, as I am now convinced good old J. Alfred knew, very much Not Fun. (As an aside, when I first read that poem in high school, I was convinced that Prufrock was simply a coward, afraid of life, one who never stepped out of his routine of days measured by coffee spoons, etc. Now, upon reflection, a few years, and a bit more experience, I think that Al had been wounded before, and was thinking that he wasn't going to take that particular chance again.
Happy times! Fuck you, Donal Logue.
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2 comments:
"Faith" there, or reason? I mean, what's lost in rejection? You never had anything to lose. You just didn't know it. Not taking the chance is like a warped version of avoiding the doctor while you know something odd and wrong is growing inside. What's the gain in not knowing?
Gin's a contemplative buzz.
Gin, eh? Well, it's summer, so I suspect you and your seersucker suit stopped by the club for a little Boodles and tonic with the fellas. Your departed ancestors are spinning in their anger and shame.
What's the harm? What's lost in rejection? Dude, it isn't like unsuccessfully hitting on the Tri-Delt at the PHC mixer -- a shrug, and you move on to the next. Instead, I am talking about when you feel the zing of the connection. Not just attraction, lust, eros, whatever -- no, I mean the certainty that this person is the last part of your puzzle.
Ah, but in order to confirm that, you have to let your shield down. Have let that person see the face other than the face you've prepared to meet the faces that you meet.
And so you choose to disturb the Universe. And the response? Well, sometimes it works out. Sometimes, however, the mermaids, my boy, do not sing for you. And that is a hard thing, and it colors the way you deal with it in the future.
Your comparison is apt, though -- one time, it was like a there was some malignant thing growing inside me that would burst if I didn't do something.
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